If you can't eat it, make it dance.

I used to play farmville. Back when there weren’t eight million games to choose from and one didn’t get carpel tunnel trying to harvest their motherfucking crops. I started playing when a few of my facebook friends (not really ACTUAL friends, but facebook friends with an unspoken agreement to be farmville neighbors and send farmville gifts). Also, I probably wouldn’t talk to these people in real life, as with most of my facebook friends (I talk to, like, five people in real life.
Anywho, I stopped playing. It bored me. I started playing pet society with a yellow dog character that looked like my Brody and I could dress him in things like pajamas, or say, a frog costume. I could interact with him and feed him hot dogs, just like in real life! So who needed farmville? Not I, Emily said, NOT I.
So, when the farmville craze struck and the majority of my facebook friends started playing, they naturally started sending the more experienced (wink, wink) farmer gifts in order to try to persuade me to send them gifts they could not attain in their peon levels of harvesting crops. I accepted them… at first. I would get 3 or 4 a day, and eventually I started to ignore them hoping they would stop sending gifts if I stopped returning the favor.
I logged on today and I had over 67 farmville gift requests. FML. If you people like farming so much, why don’t you get a real farm? Jeez.

"You know, Fry? I don't care if you're not the most important person in the universe. It really makes me happy to see you right now." "Then I am the most important person in the universe."

All of my life I’ve heard the same phrase, “You’ve been robbed.”
God damnit.
I’m not bitter. I’m NOT BITTER.

It all started back in ‘01. I had started to come out of my shell and was no longer the shy child I had once been, also a bunch of the fifth grade boys thought I was the bee’s knees. My first endeavor in contest was the fifth grade poem contest. I performed “Sick” by Shel Silverstein in a bathrobe and pretended I was very ill and acted very surprised when I pulled out wig hair from my head to reenact the line, “I think my hair is falling out!” I didn’t even get honorable mention. Parents were telling me I was robbed. My parents thought I had it in the bag. I lost to a boy who performed The Tiger with his face painted like a tiger. He delivered it in a montone voice and not in GOD DAMN IAMBIC PENTAMETER. I had a full two pages to memorize and I was definitely not pleased.

Next contest I entered, along with all of my peers, was the vocabulary bee. I made it down to the last seven. Because no one was losing, they decided to speed up the process and kick me out. I know what a “Carnivore” is. I was furious due to the fact that the kid who won rubbed their large trophies in my face when that large trophy should have been MINE.

Next was the King Solomon’s Mines costume contest. I worked very hard and didn’t wear any pants to portray sir henry and only have my face was colored in to show he had shaved only half of his face. I lost again, even when I put in more effort than most.

After that I went to middle school, I ran for Sixth Grade VP and failed. I received some solos in chorus and choraliers but I hated chorus and choraliers and didn’t want the solos anyway.

I went to high school, not much contest there. I lost at the starbucks card design contest with my breakfast sandwich.

College had brought about more chances for contests, however I am lazy. The School of Visual Arts gives away laptops and ipods at their halloween costume contest, so even though I don’t go there, I decided to go all out. Boyfriend was Fry and I was Leela from the cartoon, Futurama. I dyed my hair purple and made my one eye from a construction bubble goggle and all-in-all looked pretty great. Boyfriend and I made finalist out of about 400 people. The 20 finalists lined up and all of the sudden, another fry and leela walk in and just assume they can enter the contest without a finalist slip because we were there. The other leela (anti-leela for all intensive purposes) wore a wig and her eyes were visible from under her shottily made cyclops eye. Therefore, these people ruined our chances. Sailor Mars and that guy from Stargate Atlantis agreed that we were robbed.

And yet, I am robbed once more out of fabulous prizes.

I saw what happened all those times he went for water, when we were at the movie theater watching Harry Potter.

dear emily,

please disregard my last message. true life im on adderall.

i am starting to like this guy i have had sex with twice but im being a masochistic idiot and going through his wall to wall with his ex. i dont want to stop hanging out with him. but i wish he talked to me when he was sober. should i like him or ditch him or what/?

help!!!!

love,
lord voldemort

Dear He Who Must Not Be Named,

Going through wall-to-walls is always a terrible idea. Trust me, you’re not going to like what you find. You’ll find “I love you”s and other things that happened in the past.  Everyone has a past, and sadly, with facebook it is public and available to anyone in the network, or possibly, the world.

Starting to fall for people you’ve done it with is not uncommon, I mean, you did “share the most intimate thing two people can share.” Lol. I can’t believe I just used that.  After having sex, one can feel instantly closer to a person due to hormones, etc. Plus, you’ve seen them naked, and they’ve seen you naked and that means its okay to feel more than just apathetic about them.

I’d say don’t ditch him… yet. If he only talks to you when drunk, its probably because he’s nervous talking to you when sober. I can’t talk to people drunk, let alone sober.  Alcohol is a “social lubricant.” It helps people do things and say things that they are too nervous to do when sober.  Text him and ask him to hang out while sober, or meet up in the beginning of the night before everyone gets tipsy. You can turn this hook-up into something worthwhile, like a steady hook-up or a relationship. I believe in you!

Love,
Emily

Email emily- emilysoper@yahoo.com

if we sleep together, would you be my friend forever?

Dear Emily,

I hate my job. I dread it. I’m very shy and am having trouble quitting. I dread going to work and find that finding another job would be better, but am facing anxiety. What should I do?

Signed,
Timothy the Tiger Trashcan

Dear Timothy,

It’s funny, Timothy, I have a tiger trashcan and his name is Timothy, too. It’s probably hard to be a trashcan, especially when you are currently being used as a storage compartment for the AMC promotional Twilight New Moon cup.

Anywho, what I mean to say is that working is hard. We can’t all be graced with being born with a silver spoon in the mouth. Or, ya know, being able to have Powerwheels as a child. I’m not bitter or anything. …Shut up. I also have a job that I hate. I really, really, really want to quit as well, but do not want to feel like a flake (I’ve only been there two weeks) and do not want to be treated horribly when I give an apologetic speech about how I don’t see myself as a fit for this job. Plus, I’m going to make my way back to a certain chain coffee house that does not judge its employees in the ways that a locally owned coffee house does.

Think about everything you hate about the job. Is it preventing your happiness? Do you not only just dislike it, but dread going to said job? Do you have a backup plan? IF the answer is yes to all of the above, I’d say quit the job. Emotional wellbeing is important and one does not want to be stuck in a rut, or worse a metaphorical hole (see: my entire livejournal.) Do what makes you happy, and fuck everything else. Life is too short and has the oppurtunity to be too depressing if you don’t change things.

Love,
Emily

Dear Emily,

I recently had a one night stand (lols) and whenever I’m sober, I don’t want anything to do with him because he ignores me when I see him. But whenever I’m drunk, we end up texting. I tried deleting his number but he just texted me so I added him in again. What should I do about my predicament?

Love,
SUI(slutty under the influence)

Dear Under the Influence,

First off, don’t delete his number.  It’s always embarrassing when you get a text and have to send the “who is this?” response.  Also, is he cute?  If so, keep it.

People often do things that they would not do if under the influence of booze.  It happens to everyone. Usually when I’m drunk, I cry. That’s embarrassing enough. I think you should continue to hook up with him if the conditions are right (using protection… who knows where this scumbag has been if he’s your drunken hook-up.)  Plus, if you’re single and your drunken self is up for it, why not? That’s why college exists. College is not for higher education, it’s more for experimenting with alcohol and drugs and being boinked to your hearts content. Kidding, of course. College is for napping.

Anywho, it’s important that you don’t come off as too desperate, or too available.  Hang out with friends, don’t go and hookup with this kid whenevs just for kicks, ya know? Then he’ll think he can get sex without supplying some sort of free dinner, and that shit ain’t gonna fly.  Haven’t you watched television? People who have one night stands always form friendships and relationships off of the random intercourse they just so happened to have.  So maybe it’ll end like that.

In conculsion, I’m not saying only hook-up with this guy. Try to find a respectable fellow on the side, who has other interests, like music or white water rafting, instead of the one interest of boinking your brains out.

Love,
Emily.

email emily- emilysoper@yahoo.com.

and everything is going to the beat.

Dear Emily,

why does art school cost so much, yet it acquires some of the lowest paying jobs?

-Starving Artist

Dear Whiny Artist,

Talk to me when you pay out the wazoo to go to the school ranked number 13 on the Princeton Review’s “Is it food?” list.  All places of higher education are exceedingly expensive, unless one has parents who are faculty, or happens to be filthy stinkin’ rich. It doesn’t really matter that the economy has gone to shit, because schools will benefit from this and proceed to charge even more than previously charged. They are able to do this because people think that if they go back to school, they will make more money. However, one has to spend more money to go to school and then pay back the loans. Quite the paradox, if I do say so myself.

Art school brings in two types of people. It brings in those who are actually talented in the fine arts, illustration, graphic design, etc. It also brings in those who find that art school will be like a bigger version of sleep away camp’s arts and crafts program and they will be able to seem respectable and get by doing barely anything. These people will usually be weeded out in 1-2 years, however if they are good with bull-shitting (eg. Emily Soper*) they will seem to succeed.

Luckily, I have this insight due to my significant other’s choice in furthering his education. He is in art school and as my father said to me, “you need to learn how to change a tire. you date a computer nerd and you need to know these things, but, he’s gonna be a friggin’ millionaire someday.” That being said, if you are talented, you will inevitably find a job. It took me about a month to find a job (not even one I like,) whereas it took my significant other about three days and he had tons of interviews scheduled and I had about three.  Therefore, art achool doesn’t always acquire low paying jobs.

I’m probably going to graduate from a highly respected Jesuit university, and still be steaming milk for overpriced coffee beverages. And if that happens, I will throw myself in front of a horse drawn carriage in Times Square. All in all, life is like a box of chocolates. You could end up with the caramel-centered, or you could end up with the funny colored nougat that everyone hates.

Love,
Emily.

*I’m just kidding. I sort of work hard… I think.

Dear Emily,

i had a dream about being pregnant recently. Even though I just had my period and am on the pill I watch too much I didn’t know I was pregnant. Also, upon eating dairy gas builds up in my belly, which recently has just made me feel like its the baby kicking inside of me.

sincerely,
What if I don’t know I’m pregnant?!

Dear Pregnant, and by pregnant, I mean Not Pregnant,

I’m almost positive that every sexually active girl has this ticking paranoia in the back of her head.  Even my boyfriend thinks about it, and usually dudes just think about getting their rocks off no matter what and not whether or not their girlfriend/regular hook-up/one night stand is getting knocked up in the process.

Dream dictionaries are kind of vague and bogus, but giving brith in dreams, according to them equals the birth of new ideas or beginnings or some shiz like that. Being preggers signifies “development.” Don’t ask me, I don’t even know. Dream dictionaries are almost as accurate (vague) as Nostradamus predictions of the future on the history channel. Could be bogus, or perhaps they are just vague enough to fit.

I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant is quite the evil, yet thoroughly amusing show.  Most of the women on the show are obese, and one watching could think to herself, “Oh. That’s why she didn’t know. That can’t happen to me.” Until, dun, dun, dun… A woman is on it who is of normal proportions and seems relativley sane. How could she not know?! What if I don’t know?! I have to go to Duane Reade RIGHT NOW.

Peeing on sticks ensues. We’ve all been there. And after the negative results, a dance party ensues with those around you whether it be your significant other, or perhaps your multiple college roommates. And after, one continues their stints of sexual activity feeling unstoppable, until that time…next month.

If you are terribly frightened of becoming preggers, an option is to abstain from sexual activity. Lol. Who am I kidding? You could and should use condoms, if terribly paranoid or not on birth control/not in a long term relationship. However, condoms aren’t so much fun, and are a KILLER to have to fall back on if one is in a long term relationship and on birth control and has been going without.  I guess the pull out method is feasible, but only acceptable in a long term relationship where both partners have been tested/on birth control.***

Love,
Emily

***DISCLAIMER. For those of you who are uneducated/unknowledgeable about sex and birth control, DO NOT follow the above instructions. Protection is absolutely necessary! Always. ESPECIALLY for casual hookups and for new relationships. TALK to your partner about their sexual history, it is a MUST. Who knows what kind of skeevy girls he had to resort to before he ended up with you, lovely. All past relationships, no matter of what sexual oreintation, should be discussed with both partners, no matter of what sexual oreintation they are. You DO NOT want to pick up a nasty disease because you decided to have unprotected sex with some guy you met last week who told you he “loves” you.  Have your partner get tested, or better yet, get tested together.  It is truly important that both you and your partner are disease free.  Only then, with regular birth control, after making the commitment for the long run, do I see it acceptable to have unprotected sex. However, the only way to NOT get pregnant is to not indulge in the act, obvs. SO PLEASE be safe, smart and healthy. Don’t be a fool.

email emily- emilysoper@yahoo.com

And all I wanted was you, and all you wanted was me.

Dear Emily,

I had sex with a guy last weekend and now I can’t talk to him ever again. I didn’t even know his last name. My friend found him on facebook with the little information I had on him. Is it okay to add him as a friend?

Signed,
Bethany Gopher

Dear Ms. Gopher,

My philosophy is that if you have seen someone’s private parts, it’s okay to add them on facebook. College is full of one night stands (not for me, of course (dag, yo.)) I never really got to be a slut, well sort of, kind of, that one time. But, alas, that doesn’t really count as I was not having copious sex with copious amounts of partners.

Obviously, it seems that this is the first time you are having drunken coitus with a random boy you might have met at a school-sponsored function.  I mean, hey, if I was single and not a social retard I’d totally be boinking decent looking university boys instead of doin’ it with a skinny art nerd who lets me wear the pants. If he’s halfway decent looking, keep in touch with him. What if one night you’re lonely and/or horny and have no detachable showerhead or edward cullen-esque dildo? Exactly. Having a hook-up couldn’t be that bad. Just use protection. You never know what kinds of girls he’s slept with due to the fact that he’s only a hook-up and you are both free to do as and who you please at any point in time.

If you’re the type of girl who’s looking for a boyfriend but can’t seem to snag a keeper, why not keep the hook-up flame a-burnin’? He could be nice and it could always turn into something more. And since its no strings attached, it’s not like you have to remember birthdays or remember to feed the hermit crab or not play mental “fuck, marry, kill” while walking down the street and feel guilty about it.

Friend him on facebook, he’s probably looking for you and if I had had someone to hookup with during the dark single period that was my life before my nerdy long-term relationship, I’d probably be less bitter and less uncomfortable with public displays of affection. Besides, even if you have no plans of dating him, you can always look for someone worth commiting to, as you are in said open relationship. Or open-ended fucking. Either way. It’s basically a win/win. Not being tied down, and still getting some?! Totally worth it. You might even get some free dinner out of it.

Love,
Emily.

Dear Emily,

i have a cat that I love alot, but she seems to only want my attention when I don’t want it (eg. 5 in the morning, while i’m in the bathroom, showering). How do I get my cat to spend more time with me on my terms?

Sincerely,
Ronery on Caturday

Dear Ronery,

I feel your pain, my beloved Brody likes to barge into my room and spoon with me in the middle of the night only to get up 15 minutes later and bark at the closed door because he wants to roam around the house, by himself, in the dark.

The trick is, classically condition them to run like clockwork on YOUR time. Don’t let your pet be the boss of you. Brody constantly has to have his paws on me, instead of me petting him. It’s his way of saying, “I have a Napoleon complex and I AM dominating YOU.” However, Brody can be controlled. My mother, Jane, is like a retarded version of Pavlov. She has trained the dogs to salivate for dinner and run to the kitchen upon hearing the Gilmore Girls theme song at 5 p.m. on ABCfamily. Also, Brody was brainwashed as a puppy to come back into the house upon hearing his name repeated three times fast.  Jane did this by feeding him Kraft Singles and repeating his name to him three times fast.  Thus, Brody hears his name three times and is reminded of eating cheese as a plump puppy and comes running back.

You can pavlovian condition your cat.  Let’s say your cat’s name is Tyler Durden. You can feed Tyler Durden whatever it is cats like to eat (lentils? I don’t know, I’ve never had a cat) and repeat his name. After that, Tyler Durden will come a-runnin’ when you call his name three times thinking he will be fed delicious lentils.

Or, you could sedate him with tranquilizers whenever you want to hang out with him! That’s what we do to my other dog who bites people.

Love,
Emily.

email emily at emilysoper@yahoo.com.

These are the answers to the questions of your mundane lives.

I found myself on a roll with the question on sex positions and my opinions on EVERY SINGLE POSITION! and got distracted from other questions, so sorry other troubled people!

Dear Emily,

How do I survive the next 2.75 months of college?!

Sincerely,
BummedOutBearcat


Dear Bearcat,

College can be tough, especially when your school mascot is an animal no one has ever heard of and looks like a raccoon.  A middle-aged person might say, “Aw, come on, give it the old college try!” Not me, I say, “Eh, fuckin’ take a nap.” Napping passes more time than any other acitivity. Think of how fast time travels when you’re sleeping the 3-5 hours a college student sleeps during the night. “But I’m not tired,” you say. Well, Mr. I like to live my life, why don’t you watch youtube videos of kittens until very late into the night and THEN tell me you’re not tired. Thought so.

Another option is to find a television show you’ve never seen. It helps if this show is always on sydicated television. For example, I had never seen Law and Order. Law and Order is on, like, EVERY CHANNEL! I can watch Law and Order WHENEVER I WANT! I just can’t get enough of that Christopher Meloni. If the show you choose happens to be a show not on every single channel at every single point of the day, use the ‘rents credit card.  I’m sure you can explain to Ken and Janene… I mean your parents… that it was detrimental to your emotional wellbeing to watch Charmed for 72 hours straight.

And last but not least, the internet. I cannot tell you how much time I waste on the internet. Hell, I’m wasting time now. Find some blogs that interest you. Like celebrity gossip? Try The Superficial ( thesuperficial.com ) or What Would Tyler Durden Do? ( wwtdd.com ).  Like baby animals? Try Cute Overload ( cuteoverload.com ) or I can has cheezburger ( icanhascheezburger.com ).  Or possible the number one websites to waste time on, Facebook and Youtube. There are always videos of people epically failing or puppies rolling around the the floor for your viewing enjoyment at any time of the day or night!  Facebook, along with facebook stalking, is also prevelant in wasting time.  Haven’t seen someone since high school in sophomore honors english? Wondering if they got fat? Stalk ‘em! Also, placing bets with yourself and/or your friends from high school could also be a fun, time-wasting activity.  Who do you predict is going to get pregnant soon from your graduating class? Who won’t be able to handle the pressures of being away from the hometown bubble and transfer to community college? Things like this make unexciting things like mindless facebook news feeds seem exciting. Or you could always smoke a lot of weed.

Love,
Emily


Dear Emily,

I live in a college dorm. When I try to sleep, my roommate keeps talking to me as if I’m awake! What should I do?!

Love,
ConfusedAndTired


Dear Confused,

You must be confused! Sleeping is a college student’s second favorite activity.  The first would be drinking, in large quantities in short periods of time (be safe kids, drink in moderation and not next to cliffs! Message brought to you by Peer Educators.) Your roommate is probably lovely! In fact, I know she is. If there is a campus eatery connected to your building, she deserves more chicken fingers and Powerade from that establishment.

In all seriousness, she probably just wants to spend ALL DAY, EVERYDAY all up in your business. You should just tape record yourself saying generic answers so that she doesn’t get lonely during the night! What if your room is haunted?! Do you want her to be scared?! Of course not. Therefore, you should pretend you are talking to her, develop constant sleep-talking, or find a stray cat for her to talk to in the wee hours of the morning instead of you.

Love,
Emily

Dear Emily,

Why am I so bad at this whole college thing?!?! Why am I so distracted?!?!?!?!?! Why am I doing so badly?!?!?!??!??!?!

Sincerely,
StressedOutSeawolf

Dear Seawolf,

First off, what in the eff is a seawolf?! I didn’t even know that was a choice for animals, let alone school mascot. I thought the bearcat was fictional, but I was mistaken and it looked like a raccoon. It’s a fish. That is misleading. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seawolf_(fish) .

Anywho, seawolf, many a student feel as if they are not meant for college. Your calling could be elsewhere, such as, helping me choose between low-fat veggie cream cheese and regular veggie cream cheese at the local Pick-a-Bagel.  Or you could start popping pills that keep you up for hours upon hours upon hours! Having daylight hours to finish that paper on the Oedipal Complex is all well and good, but think of all the things you could accomplish if you NEVER WENT TO SLEEP!

In all seriousness, college is hard. High school doesn’t prepare students for college the way it should.  In high school, one can get away with not doing the work, or by doing the work in other classes, or doing things half-assed or minimally.  Senior year is probably the least helpful sendoff for a college freshman. No one does anything the second semester of senior year! The transitions are key. Attendance, although usually expressed as mandatory, is really determined by one’s free will. You decide is you do well or do not attend class and therefore cram before midterms and finals. If one didn’t go to school whilst in high school, your ‘rents would wonder what you are doing sitting in the living room at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday watching The Price is Right.  In College, you decide! It’s all you! Some students decide that college is all about their choice to watch daytime soap operas and therefore find college challenging.

I’ll be honest with you SeaWolf, I do some work, but not all the work. I do what I have to do to get by. I’m not the best student, but by no means am I the worst. Finding a happy balance is key to succeeding with keeping ahead in school. Reward yourself when you complete tasks that were painful to complete.  Only allow yourself to miss two to three classes or each subject per semester.  Procrastinate and eat snacks and write in your blog late into the night, and finally get around to doing those French vacabulary flashcards until 2:30 a.m. As long as you get things done, no matter what time, you’ll be able to keep up. You can always nap the next day!

Love,
Emily

And the last one of the night before I go and become a functioning member of society:

Dear Emily,

I’m trying to write a paper, but two thirds of the people in the study lounge are sharing gingersnaps. It’s inappropriate and makes me uncomfortable. What should I do?

Signed,
leftoutofthegingersnapparty

Dear Gingersnapparty,

Study lounges can be stressful, if used during hours when normal people are awake and being productive. I remember while I was trying to make an animation for computer science last year, there were people having sex on the maroon loveseat across the way. Just kidding. …Maybe. Study lounges are supposed to be for studying, but who are you to be the party pooper on the ginger snap party. Don’t actually poop on the gingersnaps, that’s gross. No matter how annoying the people in the study lounge may be, before public defecation is used as a last resort, go talk to the Resident Assistant. But, if I were you, I’d do it in a stealthy way. Make sure you do not immediately return to said lounge with the RA. You will look like a narc and nobody likes a tattletale, even in college when administration encourages its students to be backstabbing with their fellow student body.

Or, hey, if you don’t want to get the RA involved because you’re not some wimpy tattletale, you could get them back and prepare an even more delicious snack and eat it with your friends. You could all share spaghettios (there’s a whole serving of vegetables in there!) or perhaps some nice deviled eggs, if you have the culinary knowledge and appropriate appliances to do so. You’ll show them! Make them the neglected 1/3 that you once were. Gingersnaps aren’t even that delicious anyway. What are you? Eighty years old?

Love,

Emily

Email your dilemmas to Emily and they could be featured in the blog: emilysoper@yahoo.com

Oh, it's you who puts me in the magic position, darling.

Hello. Hi. Hey. I’ve finally made the switch to a sleek tumblr account. This website is exciting. Almost as exciting as not having a username such as beachbunnie47x!!!11!! anymore. Also, now no one can see my whiny ramblings or go back to the dark ages wHen I tYpEd LiKe tHis. Let me introduce you, dear reader who possibly made the switch from my livejournal account, this is http://someonestilllovesyouemilysoper.tumblr.com.  As a kick off party to my new blog, let’s help some people I know whose identities have been concealed and give out some useful advice! Let ‘er rip.

Dear Emily,

My friend and his girlfriend are having problems in the sack. What is the best sex position in your opinion? They want to switch things up.
-David

Dear “David,”

If that is your real name, your “friend” and his girlfriend having trouble with the coitus, eh? It’s probs because you…, I mean your “friend” only cares about gettin’ his rocks off and leaving his girlfriend unsatisfied, and thus she’ll have to resort to the detachable showerhead. It happens to the best of us.

Unfortunately, I’m not the best person to answer this question due to my relationship’s subside to routine. My significant other and I have become an old married couple and watch copious amounts of BBCAmerica while fighting about which side of the bed to sleep on. When one’s significant other begins to discuss their bowel movements, its pretty safe to say that romantic honeymoon period of the relationship is over. Commitment to me means that, the sex is pretty much satisfying all the time, otherwise one might seek more ful”filling” endeavors. Get it? I’m a pervert.

I’m no master of the kama sutra, but I am a female who has had enough sex, and conversations about sex with other females to know whats up.  In my professional opinion (I am a certified food safety manager and a certified barista), I would have to say that the best position is missionary, or possibly variations of the like, using slightly different postioning such as beds, kitchen tables, etc. I’ll debunk every sexual position from a female persepctive and how I have come to this conclusion. Let’s start with the standard positions. No girl, unless terribly confident, is going to get off on top (cowgirl and the like) with her body being in a view scrutiny by her partner (even though men are usually just excited to be getting off that something that is not their hand or a “fleshlight.”)  She is neither going to be pleased being face down, being suffocated, nor with her knees rubbing against the carpet with so much friction that she’ll start a fire faster than an Eagle Scout (doggy style, specifically, on the floor.)  Reverse cowgirl is awkward.  The female ends up staring at the wall, or, in my case, can catch up on Law and Order: SVU, if facing the television.

Now we will move on to lesser used, or more adventurous positions, that aren’t for the couples who sleep in twin beds next to each other. The lotus position is for sissies. BORING. Range of motion is limited, and thus, becomes awkward for both parties. Standing while facing each other doesn’t work for most. The only way this is able to be executed, is if the weight discrepancies between male and female is great, and the male is able to not only lift, but hold the female in place, against a wall, door frame, etc. Also, height is key when attempting this position. Couples who are close in height, the same in height, or if the female is taller than the male, will have trouble. The same goes for standing while facing the same way. If the female bends over, this could work more easily rather than struggling to mimic romantic movies with Diane Lane (ladies) or the porn you downloaded “by accident” (dudes.) The spoons positioning is quite bland for the female and only a needed sexual position for when trying to keep quiet.

Shower sex is impossible. Maybe for those lucky few with cat-like poise and slip resistant appendages, this is actually feasible and enjoyable. The bf and I watched “The Wackness,” and in said movie there is a scene in which Olivia Thirlby (Juno’s best friend Leah, in Juno) and Josh Peck (The former chunky nickelodeon actor who played the goofy and less TigerBeat friendly co-star than his counterpart, Drake Bell) have very steamy sex in an outdoor shower. Peck and Thirlby make it seem as if such an escapade is possible, however, this past month, I had also seen “500 Days of Summer,” in which Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt clearly illustrate that the sentiments of shower sex are impossible for the bourgeuois.  Concluding that, even in movies shower sex is mostly impossible.

No girl wants to take it in the derriere (anal). That’s like taking a crap and shoving it back into one’s butt. Do you want crap shoved back into your butt? I didn’t think so. If your girl agrees to this most sought after male fantasy: lubrication, lubrication, lubrication. No girl, at least that I know of, wants a threesome with herself and another girl, unless bi-curious or severely comfortable with her BFFL. It takes a very needy girl to want a threesome with two dudes, or a less monogamous one. I am a heterosexual female, and would never think of a threesome to my benefit with two guys. I love my significant other too much to want someone other than him. Plus, what is this? A bukkake party? No thanks.

Of course there are the positions such as the Piledriver, or the Jackhammer, The Houdini (Taa dahh!), and a vast array of other positions only rumored to ever be performed by frat brothers and stallions a-like.  These are NEVER acceptable. Never. NEVER.

Cunnilingus is the bread and butter for some girls and some girls absolutely hate it. NEVER, make any remarks about her private areas. She WILL remember and you will get punished and/or resented for it. Women are terribly self conscious when their girly parts are being focused on. A bad remark from any past sexual encounter, could ruin the chances that she enjoys this act whatsoever. Fellatio is all well and good unless someone gets it in their eyes. Seriously. Also, do not use the “spitters are quitters” rule when you are lucky enough to have your significant other, or any girl for that matter, handling your nether-regions. Shit tastes like Elmer’s glue and sunblock. I don’t think tuggers (handjobs) are fun for anyone except for highschool freshman.  One party gets a sub-par sexual act performed for him and the other party gets tennis elbow, or worse, carpel tunnel syndrome.

Girls usually do what you want or ask them to do, unless she wears the pants in the relationship. Girls do these things to please you, the male, because they love you. Get to know your girl. Ask her what she likes. That’s the easiest way. If you get it right, she may just want to keep you for the long run. Oh, and please, please, please do not guess. That could lead to something awkward and we want to keep all parties within their comfort zones. Good luck!

Love,
Emily

P.S. I looked up sex positions to do a double-check and a postion called the “Rusty Bike Pump” appeared. That doesn’t even sound intriguing whatsoever.

Email any dilemma to Emily! emilysoper@yahoo.com